Who had this crazy idea, one day, to invent school? Every morning, it’s the same story: you feel like you’re sending your offspring to the scaffold. Crying fits, fear of school, refusal to do homework, discouragement, absenteeism… Your child doesn’t like school and is letting you know in their own You don’t know what to do anymore and are looking for solutions. Here is our advice to best support your son or daughter in their schooling, their social development, and their development in the classroom.
Understanding the origin of the school blockage
Fear of separation or the big leap
During the first two years of your child’s life, they experience a stage of separation anxiety that is essential to their development. This is a healthy transition between their family environment and a strange outside world.
After this age, they may experience periods of separation anxiety around new events, such as starting nursery or primary school. A real leap into the unknown! Back-to-school stress is therefore quite common and generally dissipates quickly, once the child finds their feet.
On the other hand, when the anxiety persists and the worry about separation becomes too intense, we speak of an anxiety disorder. This can be chronic or motivated by an unusual upheaval: moving, changing schools, illness of a loved one… Whatever the case, it is important to talk about it with your child and ask for the appropriate support to help them stand on their own two feet.
Be careful, however, to avoid dropping out of school: we will come back to this later.
Social Phobia Hell is other people
Fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, feeling different… Especially during puberty, it’s common to have difficulty interacting with other young people of the same age – and consequently, with their judgment! School can be a real challenge.
However, it is important to distinguish between simple shyness and social phobia. We speak of school phobia when it manifests itself only in the context of school. It is distinguished from shyness by its irrational nature and its somatic symptoms:
- stomach aches;
- nausea;
- headaches;
- sweats;
- feeling unwell;
- crying and screaming;
- etc.
So pay attention to these signs!
Sometimes, behind the fear of school lies a situation of bullying. Too little known, bullying is a form of repeated intimidation that must be taken seriously. Committed by a single classmate or a group, it is characterized by the intention to harm the other in a dominant/dominated relationship. There are several forms of bullying: verbal, physical, physical, relational, or electronic.
Bullying situations at school are often difficult to spot. Listening to your child and their nonverbal language can help you detect them.
Fear of failure shouldn’t carry too much weight!
From a very young age, your child receives a barrage of instructions. They must behave well at school, listen, obey the teacher, get good grades, be polite and clean, eat in the cafeteria… An endless list of constraints that can be daunting! Especially when you also have to be strong and not cry.
Fear of failing a test or exam, of being “less good” than their classmates, of being rejected or disappointing… While failure is part of the normal learning process, it can sometimes have significant consequences on a young person’s self-esteem. As a parent, it can seem difficult to adopt the “right” attitude: you want to be involved in your child’s academic success without putting too much pressure on them.
Sometimes, the fear of failure can reflect academic difficulties or even learning disabilities of varying severity. Dyslexia, motor difficulties, attention deficit disorder, high potential, dysorthography… The types of disorders are diverse and can reflect the beginnings of dropping out of school. However, it is simpler than one might think to support and restore confidence to a child having difficulties at school.
Apathy, boredom, and precocity When school is not interesting
Your child or teenager transforms as soon as it comes to getting ready for school. Apathy descends upon them at the slightest thought of walking through the school gates. School is nothing but a subject of complaint, the learning doesn’t pique their interest, they no longer want to go; in short, they’re bored.
Have you considered the possibility that your child may be gifted ? Gifted children, in addition to being bored, may struggle to fit into a traditional school setting. They may also develop negative, even violent, behaviors. It’s therefore important to identify your child’s precocity before it becomes a challenge.
A child who skips class, forgets their materials, lacks attention, or withdraws from class may also be dropping out. This can go as far as a complete rejection of authority and the school system. The reasons are varied and do not necessarily reflect learning difficulties. Rumberger’s model identifies five main risk factors:
- The young person: their gender, their origin, their language, their health problems;
- The family: its socio-economic status, its composition (single parenthood, for example), the level of education,n and the parents’ expectations;
- Associations: collective influence or isolation;
- The neighborhood: advantaged or not, crime rate.
- The school: the atmosphere in class, the organization of the class, the solidarity between students, the teaching methods implemented, the commitment of the teachers…
In any case, dropping out of school isn’t inevitable. As a parent, you can take action! Remember that it’s also a matter for teachers: we’ll come back to this later.
What attitude should I adopt when my child doesn’t like school?
Talking with your child to help them overcome their anxieties
The first step is to establish DIALOGUE! Talking with your child is essential. Dialogue helps establish a climate of trust, helping your child feel supported, listened to, valued, and therefore comfortable in their skin.
It also helps identify potential distress and helps the child free themselves from it and open up. A young person who is a victim of bullying at school, for example, generally has a hard time informing those around them. Like many victims of emotional or physical abuse, they may feel ashamed, afraid of reprisals, or even guilty.
Here are some key behaviors to adopt with your child:
- Show that you are present, take an interest in him without interfering too much in his private life.
- Reassure him: it’s normal to have fears, he’s capable of facing them, and you’re there for him.
- Remind him of things he was afraid of and managed to overcome.
- Congratulate him when he makes an effort or succeeds in a step, and reassure him when he fails: champions have all experienced failures.
- Don’t downplay what he feels, every emotion is legitimate (avoid phrases like “Don’t exaggerate, school isn’t hell either”).
- Speak in the future tense, not the conditional (“When you go to school tomorrow…” instead of “If you go to school tomorrow…”).
- Establish milestones (“Today I’ll walk you to school. Tomorrow I’ll walk you to the corner,” etc.).
- Keep goodbyes essential, but short – no need to dramatize a one-day separation.
- Depending on the age and the problem encountered, you can help him set up an effective working method.
- Start off on the right foot and prepare for the new school year with him to get the school year off to a good start .
Remember, however, that supporting a child who is reluctant to go to school is a team effort involving parents, caregivers, and a potential caregiver to help the child. We’ll come back to this at the end of the article.
Avoid dropping out of school and maintain social ties
Working from home, lockdowns… You may have been spending more time at home than usual lately—and, as a result, more time with your children. Are you faced every day with the cries and tears of your child who would rather stay with you than go to class? It’s tempting to give in and consider homeschooling.
However, it’s essential to avoid dropping out of school as much as possible. A prolonged absence from this fear-inducing environment could make returning to school even more difficult. Insist that your child attend school and encourage them to face their worries, while reassuring them.
It’s also important to maintain social connections to avoid your child becoming isolated. For example, you can offer extracurricular activities (sports clubs, music lessons, outings or parties with friends, etc.), always encouraging your child to choose the activities they want to do themselves.
Reacting to school dropouts
Are you noticing signs of school dropout in your teenager? Experts agree: you must act as soon as the first signs appear.
Your attitude is fundamental in preventing your child from dropping out of school:
- Adopt a caring and open stance to help your child verbalize what they feel, without judgment or blame.
- Suggest that he take tutoring in the subjects of his choice.
- Try to understand what he really wants to do to help him regain interest in school. You can suggest changing his major , or even his school.
- Because each individual learns and functions differently, consider differentiated instruction.
In any case, don’t act alone and call on outside support!
Dare to ask for outside help you are not alone.
Don’t wait until the situation becomes serious to alert your child’s school environment.
Talking to the teaching staff will allow you, on the one hand, to understand how your child is behaving at school. Declining grades, crying at school, absenteeism, integration problems, defiant attitude, or conversely, withdrawal are all signs that can raise suspicion.
Once notified, the school team will also be more attentive to signs of distress and will be able to warn you easily. In the case of bullying, for example, likelyt the teachers have not noticed anything. It is a form of tacit violence, which can take place far from adults (at recess, for example), easily confused with simple teasing.
Finally, working with the teaching staff will allow you to find solutions, whether within the school or by directing you to the right specialist:
- a guidance counselor for academic indecision and demotivation;
- a psychologist in case of phobia or depression;
- an educational therapist for difficulties related to reading, writing,or mathematics;
- a specialist educator in case of behavioral problems;
- a coach to regain motivation ;
- etc.
There are several contacts available to help you within the school: the principal, the head teacher, the guidance counselor, or an educator.
